Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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