Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
