My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
