My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
