I just saw a hot homeless man
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
