I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
