Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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