in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
honey bunches of taint.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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