I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
