just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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