the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
