That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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