i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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