its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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