the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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