Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
