Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize
