There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
