I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
