Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
