i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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