I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
