I am puke
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
