My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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