Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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