Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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