Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
