The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
