Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
