I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
