he thought i was a dude.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
