I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
