I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
