We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
