My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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