Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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