I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
