3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
