She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
