it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
