i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
