I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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