You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
