I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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