Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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