I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
