No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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