Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
