I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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