Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
